Wicked Bartender PG-13 Version Page 6

  ***

  The following day, Dante asked Fred to help him make a resume so that he could go job hunting. Fred gave Dante a blank resume to fill out and Dante did so, as follows:

  Resume:

  Name: Dante Cromwell

  Address: South Bronx, you need not know more

  City, State, Zip: New York City, New York

  Phone: You need not know, I shall not answer your call

  Email address: Unnecessary.

  Objective: My objective is to become the greatest bartender in New York City.

  Education: Private tutors and years of self-study.

  Education. Dante thought back to his private tutors in Hell. Dante had studied even as an adult. They had taught him everything: history, science, and languages (both demon and human). He also read every single book he could get his hands on, and had been especially interested in books smuggled into Hell from Earth. Human books were truly fascinating. Especially those ‘paranormal romance’ stories where demons and humans would oftentimes fall in love. Reading these books had been a secret pleasure of Dante’s and if anyone had discovered his secret he would have killed them on the spot. A demon and a human falling in love was something that had never actually happened before. Or at least Dante had never heard of such a case.

  Dante could understand why Lucifer had usurped control of the Earth from God. It was a hell of a place to have dominion over. But in order to have enough power to do this - Lucifer had had no choice but to turn against God and embrace a power completely contrary but equal to God’s holy power: Evil.

  Lucifer had chosen to be ‘evil’ for the sake of the power it would grant him to stand up to God. Lucifer hadn’t necessarily liked ‘evil things’ such as hate, anger, and chaos, but he merely considered embracing evil as a means to an end. He saw it as a way to gain enough power to challenge God and take control of the Earth.

  The Earth was presently in Lucifer’s hands, under his control, so to speak. But with evil came the consequence of destruction. The easily-influenced humans were currently destroying and ravaging the Earth with their bloody, brutal, pointless wars. They were doing Lucifer’s work and it made the Ruler of Hell quite happy.

  Dante couldn’t help but feel it was a waste. The Earth had once been so beautiful but he supposed this was an odd thought for a demon to have. But he couldn’t shake the feeling that Lucifer was damaging his own prize.

  From as far back as Dante could remember he was Lucifer’s best friend. Before his time in Hell…he could not recall his previous life. Had he been a sinful human? Or an Archangel? Dante could not be sure and his friend Lucifer would not tell him. Lucifer claimed that this was for Dante’s own good and went on to claim that Dante had requested that Lucifer keep his memories for him in a locket Lucifer wore around his neck.

  Lucifer had told Dante about what had happened in the heavens. Lucifer claimed that he hadn’t wanted to be considered a ‘lesser being’ to God. He’d wanted God to acknowledge his power, value, strength, and worth. That’s why Lucifer chose to defy and challenge God. Lucifer and one-third of the Archangels in Heaven had chosen to go against God and his loyal Archangels, but Lucifer had been defeated. In fact, it had been the Archangel Michael who had delivered the finishing blow to Lucifer, which expelled him from Heaven.

  Dante had met Michael for the very first time when Jeanne had sealed him to that darned fig tree over five hundred years ago, and the Archangel had cast a spell of enchanted sleep upon him. To him, the angel hadn’t seemed dangerous enough to defeat Lucifer and he wondered how the hell the angel had managed it. He couldn’t forget that look of longing Michael had held in his gaze as he’d watched Jeanne walk away from him.

  Lucifer and his comrades may have been cast down to Hell, but the war was far from over. In fact it was just beginning. Lucifer was biding his time, rebuilding the strength of his armies and preparing for the Apocalypse. Lucifer and Dante had fought several battles in Hell side-by-side. Dante had fought against Lucifer’s enemies and gained new allies. These times were some of Dante’s earliest memories in Hell.

  Dante was supposed to be a being of pure evil. But there had been…moments where Dante had questioned the ‘truth’ of his own existence. Dante had fought for Lucifer and killed many demons and humans, but Dante refused to kill women or children. This was the code that he lived by. His creed. He left such cowardly work to his subordinates if they needed to be done. But why did it bother him if he was a being of pure evil? He sometimes wondered. This caused him to doubt the path he was on, the one he’d chosen according to Lucifer. But there was no turning back now and Dante knew that he had no chance for forgiveness in the eyes of God.

  Thousands of years later, he’d met her - God’s Chosen Warrior, Jeanne d’Arc. A female warrior. Lucifer had ordered Dante to kill God’s Chosen Warrior. And God had assigned Jeanne with defeating Dante’s army. Had God known of Dante’s weakness? Was that why he’d sent Jeanne against him? Had God been laughing at him in Heaven? God must have known Dante would not be able to kill Jeanne d’Arc hence she was the perfect weapon for his destruction. And if Dante were to be destroyed…Dante decided that to die at Jeanne d’Arc’s hands would be the best way to go. No one else would ever be able to destroy him. Only her.

  Because of Jeanne, Dante had defied Lucifer for the very first time. He’d called a truce between Jeanne’s army and his own, and then gone to Hell to speak to Lucifer about ending the Apocalypse. Predictably, Lucifer hadn’t been too keen on the idea and the two of them had fought a fierce battle. Dante had surprisingly won the battle but Lucifer had kept him in Hell for several days afterwards. By the time Dante returned to Earth and found Jeanne…something was wrong. Jeanne attacked him, stabbed him with her holy sword, and sealed him to a tree. Archangel Michael had then cast a spell and put him into an enchanted sleep. Five hundred and eighty-four years later a lesser demon had broken the seal and he’d woken up. That witch betrayed me. This had been Dante’s first vehement thought.

  Jeanne’s betrayal…hurt. And Dantalion didn’t understand it…didn’t understand why he felt that way. What was this feeling? This emotion? Swirling inside of him, trying to overtake him? Love? Ha. Demons weren’t capable of love.

  Career/Highlights/Qualifications: Great Duke of Hell, Commander of thirty-six legions

  Dantalion looked down at the ‘Career/Highlights/Qualifications’ section. And jotted down ‘Great Duke of Hell’ and ‘Commander of thirty-six legions’.

  Experience:

  1400-1430

  Commander of the Serpent Legion

  To destroy Jeanne d’Arc

  1300-1400

  France

  Commander of the Famine Legion

  Commander of the Black Death Legion

  1200-1300

  France

  Commander of the Anti-Crusaders Legion

  1100-1200

  France

  Commander of the Anti-Crusaders Legion

  Under the experience section Dante began to summarize his experience as a commander of various legions with different purposes. For thousands of years Dante fought and killed for Lucifer. Over and over again he would kill and destroy. At some point it had become…tedious. His blood had stopped boiling with excitement right before a battle. Nothing was a challenge anymore. It was just too easy to be evil. He’d decided.

  That’s when Dante had a sudden, wild, outrageous idea. Would it be more of a challenge to try and be…good? Could a demon - a being of pure evil - even do something like that? What would happen to that demon? Would he simply cease to exist?

  These had been only passing thoughts, whimsies of Dante’s because he knew that he’d never escape Hell or Lucifer’s grasp. There was nowhere for him to escape except perhaps Earth. But how could a demon hope to fit in with the humans anyways? It was simply impossible. Only now Dante was inside of a human body. Lucifer had granted his wish unknowingly. He felt giddy at the thought.

  Skill
s: Trained in the art of combat, assassination, swordsmanship, torture, interrogation, spying, infiltration, martial arts, weapons mastery, hypnosis, mind reading, mind control, demon slaying, dragon slaying, dragon riding, exorcism, building furniture, painting and withstanding extreme temperatures.

  Awards and Honors: Satanic Medal of Honor, Satanic Medal of Bloodthirstiness, Satanic Medal of Victory

  Dantalion listed all of the medals Lucifer had awarded him for his victories in the battles he’d fought for his friend. The humans had a phrase for what he’d become - a ‘killing machine’. But was this what Dante wanted to be? A mindless pawn of Lucifer’s? A tool and nothing more?

  Pale green eyes…had made him doubt everything. He’d questioned everything about himself and his purpose. Those fierce eyes…he would probably never see them again since Jeanne was most likely at God’s side in Heaven. Heaven…was a place he’d never get to set foot in. I’ll never be able to see her again.

  Dante looked down at his resume and frowned. Blazes! He realized that he obviously couldn’t show this resume to a human. He then deduced that he would just have to lie about a lot of the information to seem more ‘normal’…more ‘human’. What a strange thought that was.

  Resume Version 2:

  Name: Dante Cromwell

  Address: South Bronx, you need not know more

  City, State, Zip: New York City, New York

  Phone: You need not know, I shall not answer your call

  Email address: Unnecessary

  Objective: My objective is to become the greatest bartender in New York City…and then the world.

  Education: The Sorbonne High School, Paris 8 University

  Career: French Army - Armée de Terre

  Experience: Officer in the Troops de Marine

  Other skills: Bartending and mixing drinks. I have more than two hundred drinks memorized. Martial arts, weapons training, and combat training from my time in the army.

  Awards and Honors: French Medal of Honor

  Dante looked down at his second resume and couldn’t really find any flaws with it per say that a human might have with it. He smiled smugly to himself. He was a genius.

  Dressed in a slick, Armani suit, and with a briefcase in his hand, which contained several copies of his new and improved resume, Dante left his apartment building. He walked down 7th Street with purposeful steps. Dante had already perused the classifieds section in the New York Times, and checked which bars and pubs in the area needed a new bartender. That morning he’d made several appointments to be interviewed later that same day.

  Dante was currently heading to McSorley’s Old Ale House for his first scheduled interview of the day. The exterior of the pub had large front windows, the lattices had been painted black, and the pub’s name had been painted in big white letters on a dark green section of the front of the building. Dante made his way inside and had one of the waitresses fetch the manager.

  The manager, who introduced himself as Shay, led Dante to his office. Shay took a seat behind the desk while Dante took a seat in one of the two armchairs that were situated in front of the desk. Shay was a slightly overweight man in his late thirties with shaggy brown hair and blue eyes. Dante handed Shay a copy of his resume and the manager wasted no time in asking Dante a few questions.

  Shay gave the handsome young man in front of him a scrutinizing look. Dante looked more like a businessman, a lawyer perhaps than a bartender. “Tell me about yourself.” Or maybe he’s a cocky model. I hate pretty boys. They think they’re all that.

  “I…am extremely capable in whatever I set out to do whether it’s winning a battle or…making a drink to absolute perfection.” Dante began confidently.

  Cocky punk. Shay thought, feeling irritated already. “Do you have any experience with customer service? If so, in what capacity?”

  Dante thought about this question for a moment. ‘Customer service’ was the task of dealing with humans…nicely. “Not much…but I’m sure I will learn quickly.” Not killing them anymore has to be a good start.

  Zero experience then. Useless bum. The manager thought. “How often do you drink?”

  Dante wasn’t sure what the purpose of this question was but decided to answer honestly. “I am a social drinker and I drink when I have cause to celebrate. I also drink when I am testing out new drink combinations but I don’t drink in excess.”

  At least he doesn’t sound like an alcoholic. “How will you ensure that you prepare drinks to this pub’s standards?”

  “By following the instructions as written in the drink mixing books to the letter.”

  Smart alec. “Do you believe the customer is always right?” The manager gave Dante an intent look. The guy was so cocky and full of himself that Shay was curious to see how Dante would respond.

  Dante blinked. What a silly question. The demon thought and smiled with assurance before responding. When could a human always be right? “No, of course not.”

  Wrong answer, buddy. “How long have you been mixing drinks?” Shay asked in a now bored tone.

  Dante noticed the man’s change in tone and frowned. “I learned how to mix drinks a few days ago but I’ve already memorized over two hundred recipes.”

  And apparently he’s a liar. “Have you ever experienced conflict with a coworker? How did you handle it?” Shay had a list of interview questions memorized and was simply going through the motions now.

  “I killed him.” The words slipped out of Dante’s mouth before he could stop himself.

  The manager gawked, and his jaw dropped. “You’re joking, right?”

  Blazes! Dante realized his mistake and quickly tried to correct it. “Ah…yes, of course. I…handled it in a gentlemanly manner. We…talked things out.” I separated his head from his shoulders but…whatever.

  Shay sighed and scrubbed a hand down his face. He could be a delinquent. Well, it says on his resume that he was in the French Army. He probably has violent tendencies. “What do you think you can bring to this pub?”

  “The man who will become the greatest bartender in New York City.” Dante puffed up his chest with pride.

  Cocky punk. “What are your strengths and weaknesses?”

  “I’m extremely intelligent, hardworking, handsome, physically fit, and strong.” Dante decided not to list all of his good points since the list would go on forever and they didn’t have all day. Dante thought about his weaknesses and realized he didn’t have any. Unless of course you included Jeanne d’Arc. But this mere human didn’t need to know about that. “I have no weaknesses.” I was trained to have no weaknesses. If I do have a weakness it would probably be Jeanne. But she’s no longer in this world.

  I have no weaknesses? Can I just punch this guy already? “What skills and technologies are you most interested in improving upon or learning?”

  “I wish to learn how to make more drinks, and I want to invent some drink recipes of my own.” Dante smiled. He was feeling pretty confident that this manager would hire him. He’d executed the human interview perfectly after all.

  Shay nodded, stood up, and offered Dante his hand over his desk. “It was nice meeting you, Mr. Cromwell.”

  Dante took the man’s hand and shook it. “Did I get the job?”

  Shay snorted. “Confident, aren’t you? But I’m sorry. I’m going to have to say ‘no’.” The manager cackled at that. Idiot.

  Dante blinked and gave the manager a surprised look. “You don’t wish to hire me, but why?” This makes no sense.

  Shay rolled his eyes. “If you don’t know why I decided not to hire you then…you’re an idiot!”

  Dante’s golden eyes narrowed dangerously at this audacious human. “Did you just call me an idiot?” Before the demon could think about what he was doing his hand shot out, grabbed the manager’s shirt collar, and he lifted Shay off the floor.

  Shay’s eyes were wide with fear, but even through his fear he smiled. “Ha! You see, I was right a
bout you! Who wants a violent psycho working for them?”

  Violent psycho? Dante mused and scowled.

  “You’d better let me go or I’m going to sue you, buddy. For assault.” Shay warned with a haughty expression on his face.

  Sue? Ah, as in a lawsuit. I’ve killed humans for less of an insult than this. Surely, he’s overreacting. What kind of a man can’t handle an internal dispute like this by himself without having to get the law involved? A coward. That’s who. Humans…I don’t understand them at all. Dante reluctantly set the manager down on the floor and turned to go. Disappointment swirled in his chest. He ignored the insults Shay threw at his back and resisted the urge to just turn back around and dismember the idiot. Slowly.

  No, no, no, I can’t do things like that anymore. I’m trying to live as a human now. I have to play nice with the humans. Dante reprimanded himself. The demon Duke left McSorley’s Old Ale House and decided to head on over to Molly’s Pub & Restaurant where his next job interview was scheduled next. He entered the pub, greeted the manager, and was taken to the man’s office. The interview began and the questions were pretty much the same as Shay’s. Dante answered in the same way but made sure not to mention killing anyone. Even so the end result was surprisingly the same. He was rejected.

  Dante left the pub feeling disheartened. It just didn’t make any sense why these pathetic humans didn’t want to hire him. He was obviously more than qualified for this simple job. Couldn’t they see that? Or were they really just that stupid?

  Dante went on several more job interviews at various pubs and restaurants after that. Other managers interviewed him and asked different questions, but the end results were always the same. He was rejected. Dante began to wonder if perhaps these humans could somehow sense that he was not truly human? Was that why they were rejecting him?

  Dante finished his final scheduled interview for the day and decided to head home. His shoulders were slumped and his posture was dejected as he walked down the sidewalk. He’d never been so…depressed before. He’d never felt this strange emotion before either. The Great Duke of Hell was not used to defeat. He’d never before failed in anything he’d set his mind to do. He’d never lost a fight or a battle. Had he really failed? No way. Dantalion did not fail. Ever.

  That’s when Dante sensed something…odd. A malevolent energy was coming from somewhere close by. Dante walked down the sidewalk and followed the energy until he came to Dullahan’s Irish Pub. Dante looked at the rundown Irish pub curiously. It was a tall, brick building with large front windows, and an oval-shaped wooden sign was swinging above the front door. The sign was faded, but Dante was able to make out the headless horsewoman riding a demonic horse. Dante squinted at the head the woman was carrying and noted her strawberry blonde hair. How morbid. I like it.

  Dante gazed upon the establishment curiously. This pub had been cursed but the curse had recently been broken. The place had probably been crawling with evil spirits but currently there were none to be seen. Someone had broken the curse and exorcised all of the evil spirits. Although there was some lingering malevolent energy about the place that made Dante wonder if the curse had really been broken at all.

  Dante wondered about who had exorcised the place. It would have taken a very powerful priest or perhaps a witch. Curious. Dante thought as he worried his thumb and index finger over his jaw. I wonder who did this? Dante had become even more intrigued by this strange pub and a smile curled his lips. I think I like this dark, mysterious place. And I think I sense a malevolent presence within…but I might be mistaken. I must know more.

  That’s when Dante noticed the ‘Help Wanted’ sign in the front window. Apparently the owner of the pub was looking for a male bartender. Perhaps, this was fate? Although, Dante didn’t believe in fate. He believed in carving his own path through life with his sword and making his own destiny.

  To be continued…in Drink 4: Scarlet O’Hara

  Dantalion: “Good evening, inferior human, so you wish to know how to make a Long Island Iced Tea? Well, fill a cocktail shaker with ice. Then pour 1 ounce of vodka, 1 ounce of gin, 1 ounce of white rum, and a 1/2 ounce of tequila, a 1/2 ounce of Triple Sec and 2 tablespoons of freshly squeezed lime juice into the shaker. Cover and shake vigorously to combine and chill. Pour the mixture, ice and all, into two glasses or beer mugs and top off with the cola. Garnish with the lemon wedges. Serve and enjoy.”